Love, Hate, which to choose?

Y
Wednesday, August 01, 2007

todae's the day.
a class outing you could say.
hope it goes fine.
hope things will get better from here.

yestdae he called.
said he wants to talk to me.
then says he doesnt.
he was tired n sleepy.
funny thing he now says he would talk to me another day cuz of that.
it used to be different.
he used to say that he wants to sleep when i do.
oh how strange.
the next moment he says exactly that.
says he feels guilty.
i told him its ok.
we all need to learn.
he says he doesnt want to hurt me more.
then i did something i shouldnt.
i said i wanted to talk to him.
he contradicted hmself one too many times.
then by the end of it all.
said he still loves me.
I asked. dont you love her too?
silence. then he asked what time is it..
what was that? a change of topic?
i tried again..
still no proper answer.
then i realised he has no idea of what he wants.
I knew i shouldnt wait then.
I just hope he wouldnt hurt her like he did me
she is not that strong now.
i can see that.
she is just like me.
but different of course.
he says that he doesnt want us to talk about her.
i was confused then.
i needed to face up to reality
instead of running away from it.
and he was not helping
like he said he would.

he says he doesnt want to hurt me.
oh but he does. HE DOES!
i see him with her.
his eyes.
the same look he gave me once.
i see him with her.
doing the same things he used to do for me.
i see him with her.
AND i cant take it.
i RUN..
run away from it all..
to my darling loves
who i noe will be there for me ALWAES.
unlike what he said.
i believe them.
for now whatever he said feel like lies.

my classmate told me another thing.
it was to be a secret.
when i found that out.
i realised how fragile i was.

shana love held me tight ystdae.
didnt know what happened.
but she was still there comforting me.
she asked me with a hint of anger in her voice..
who could make me cry like this.
i had no answer cuz i knew that i shouldnt waste my tears on him.
deedee says its his loss and not mine. (i know its true but it hurts)
and told me everything will be fine.
i finally told shana everything.

AND oh babe..
thanks for being there.
she asked me questions to which i had no answer.
and to which i didnt want any answers.
he choose who he choose though deep down i know he isnt sure of his decision.
he is weak.
so i have to be strong.
but like shana said i am soft..delicate.
i cant be firm..harsh.
oh its true.
i cant.
but my words.
whatever i say..i mean it.

shana says he isnt worth my tears.
she says it would hurt.
she says she'll be there to help me.
and whenever i need her
she'll be there.
she tried to make me happy.
introed me to her clique
made me smile.
its a weak smile.
but i meant it.
i thank you for everything.

she slapped me.
oh..OUCH!
it hurt.
gave me a reason to cry.
she said i somehow looked sadder when she slapped me.
its true. i would have looked that way for i was thinking about him.
i know you didnt mean to slap me.
its just that you care too much.
you force-fed me.
made me eat.

i told him what shana did.
and he said i was a fucker for not eating.
he told me to eat with him on thursday.
then i thought to myself.
these same words were said to me not too long ago.
and no action was taken.
his words show care.
but its not true concern.
shana's is.
and i remember her telling me to go lunch with her from thursdae onwards.
i know i can trust her.

i have to tell you.
i am sorry for making you worry.
i am sorry for not eating.
its just that when my heart feels this empty.
i cant eat.

i know what I need to do.
I am running away.
I shouldnt.
I need to face reality.
But i am weak right now.
it would be a lie if i said i am strong.
i will try to face up to it. REALITY.
i tried to do it todae.
but i couldnt.

asal was trying her best to make me feel better.
so was isk.
oh i thank you all.
and jesterr..thanks for talking to me.
it helps me alot.

i know i run literally and otherwise away from you.
but i will LEARN to slowly accept it all and move on.
I am NOT going to believe your words. your actions. Lies!
you cant make it better.
so do your WORSE.
and dont worry about me i'll live.
i'll live through it all.

deedee and i talked alot yestdae
it felt good to exchange heartfelt words
problems that were hidden from me
finally said to me
it was nice to know that he knows that i still care about him
it was even nicer to know that he'll be there to ask me if im fine
we exchanged hp numbers finally
maybe there is hope that though things cant be like how it was before
it can be better.

HOPE.
the one thing that keeps us all hanging on.
LOVE.
the one thing that seems to makes everything feel alrite.
and the only thing that keep people together.
LUST.
the one sin of passion.
TRUST.
the one thing that helps us to learn.
HONESTY
the one thing that hurts the most
and the only thing that helps us face the TRUTH.

please believe me again at 2:16 PM