Love, Hate, which to choose?

Y
Sunday, August 05, 2007

My appetite is slowly deminishing.
Dont feel like eating anymore.
Feel too empty.
Void of happiness to eat.

I used to be in denial.
My smile.
A fake.
I didnt want anyone to worry about me.
So I smiled a plastic smile.
It was never real.
It was easy.
Made everyone think my life was picture perfect.
It wasnt.

Now, I feel like I am doing it again.
till everything's gonna be ok slowly.

I fear being sad.
being in pain all over again.
Cuz I know all good things do come to an end.
So, I never put my trust in anything that makes me feel happy.
True Happiness. Its transient.Fleeting.

I keep myself busy all the time.
With something new to do.
So that I can run away from things that matter to me.
Things that make me happy.
Having the tendency to make me sad too.
I keep my guard up to not get hurt.
But in the end, I still do get hurt.
And each and everytime I do.
It gets harder and harder for me to let anyone in.

I cant seem to let it all go.
Cuz there is nothing else left for me to hold on to.
When you cant trust anyone around you anymore.
When you have stopped even trusting yourself.
It gets difficult.

Had a dream last night.
Dreamt of beebee.
In the dream, he asked me the very question i wanted to ask him.
He asked: Do you still care for me like you used to?
and the dream went on.
Stupid things happened.
Cant remember what.
But when I woke up, I remembered that I still had to make a choice.
Whether or not to go for his b'dae chalet.
and if i should get him a b'dae present or not.
More importantly if I should call him.
Went to friendster and saw his profile.
I saw that I was in his featured friends list.
I dont know if he did it with a motive or whatsoever.
I dont know if he still thinks about me after its been 3mths since I have last spoken to him proper.
Think I shall give it a shot tonight.
I really will.

When I woke up today and saw my hp
Saw some unknown number.
Someone called me at 1am??
who could it be i wonder.
stupid unknown people calling me so late.
I looked through my phone.
All the phonecalls and messages bring me back memories of him.
I still remember the qn he asked me just before everything was over.
He asked: How did things end up this way?
I shrugged having no answer.

Its all over now.
I have trouble letting go.
Of the good and the bad.
I want it all.
Even when it hurts.

How will I ever get through this?
and Oh..I'm broke..=))

please believe me again at 4:16 PM