Love, Hate, which to choose?

Y
Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sunday!!

My mum told me that she,my dad and bro
would be coming down to see the play!

I know I should be happy
But im not
I'm kinda feeling more pressurized now
My family never judges me
But still..
Maybe its cuz I judge myself
Have too much high expectations

But deep down..
I know I am happy that they are coming
And I know they care and love me!

On monday there's external preview
And im freaking out!! =))

Saturday!!

Went out with my mummy dearest
to some Straits Times lucky draw contest
Ate with her at BK
Talked to her about stuff like class, school, drama..
But sadly I couldnt tell her anything else
Still it was nice talking to her
After it ended, which was kinda late
I dragged her to go see the Fireworks with me!!
It was awesome!!
Then went home!!

Doesnt these pictures of fireworks look GORGEOUS!!

Doesnt it make you feel alive??

Well this is not the actually pic of the fireworks..

But it looked simlar to this! AWESOMEE!!

Friday!!

Heard Suba and Abby are officially together!!
isnt that great! =))
I'm happy for them!

Mahesh was smsing me the whole entire day!
He asked me to go see the fireworks with him
But I cldnt cuz I had internal preview..haizz

Lessons ended at 11 plus
cuz Angie(our sci faci) said we didnt have to do presentation!!
and she blanjah us pizza!! YuMm yUmM!!

After class, went to support
Sasi, Karthik, Logen, Maddy, Yuvarani and all
for their drama!
Sasi's galfren Shaleen was there!
I was really happy to see them finally working things out
instead of ending things..=))

I saw Dhinesh!!
Updated him on alot of things!
GoOdnesS! I miss him alot!!
I soo wanna hang out wif him again!

Had internal preview!
After drama went home..
On the bus ride emoed
and walked home
after getting down with Isk at his stop
He was soo damn cute and funny
Trying to cheer me up only..
Even when he himself was upset over not seeing 'her'

And Isk thanks for the hug!
Really needed that! =))

I still love you dear
I wish I told you so that very night
How I felt
How I felt when you touched me
ever so slightly with your hand on my hip
ever so slightly with your lips against my cheek
But I was afraid that I'd lose you even as a friend

It was all done on a friendly gesture
But to me it all meant soo much more
Cuz that's how much I want you
That's how much I wish I could have you

I wasted another chance again
But what use will it be
even if I told you how much I love you
You are already with another
Though I can tell, you wonder
how things would have been with me..

No matter what you do
and no matter however you hurt me
I can still bear it
I dont know why but I can
But with others its not the same
Tell me why
Tell me why I love you so much
To not even care about my safety, my life
I love you

Not too long ago
I was your sweetheart
I was your darling
I was your dearest one
I was your baby
I was the one
you called beautiful
I was the one
you never wanted to make cry

And now she is your love

I wish you had given me more time
for me to show you how much I love you
Cuz I was afraid to tell you so
cuz we were soo distant then
I was afraid my words
wouldnt mean so much to you

They say time will heal all
But I dont think it'll ever be able to heal this
Cuz there are some things which will only end
When your heart stops feeling
and the pain finally takes your last breath away

Its difficult to live with this pain
When all I think about is you
Your words never forgotten by my mind
You, never forgotten by my heart
You, the bittersweet memory I'll keep
So I will try
and try again to move on..

I wonder how long will I hang on
to plain nothingness
till I finally say goodbye

Thursday!

Nothing much..
Just slacked after school
Saw the gal Jesterr liked alott
Hung out with Jesterr and her and Isk
Shana last min said she isnt gonna come
and Suba came late!
And soon enough I had to leave
Cuz I wanted to chat online with Mahesh

When I got home though..
I was really tired
Didnt do my RJ
and slept
When I woke up
I saw a convo box open and it was Mahesh's
He was like talking to himself man..soo funny!!
I kinda slept halfway while chatting with him..LOL

It ok to break a gal's heart
if you think things between you guys cannot go on..
Its ok if you cant love the gal anymore
cuz you love another..
Its better to break her then keep her with false hopes..
Dont live a lie
Say the truth and let it all go..
Its ok, Its alrite
Its fine to be heartbroken..
cuz in the end
the one you will get and be with you
will be all the more better
and it'll be all the more sweeter..

please believe me again at 10:30 AM

Y
Thursday, August 16, 2007

Wednesday!!

Feels like ages since i've slacked
I didnt go to class today but went to school
Hung out with Isk and Mya at the library
And was pigging out there
while Isk was watching his anime Naruto
and Mya went to class to see her mates
Isk is superly ticklish man! Soo fuN to bully him! hahaxz
And he bit me! aRgh!

He had a dilemma today
whether or not to go for drama..
so that he could meet his friend
Me and Mya made him stay..
But now I kinda regret it..feel bad!
Cuz we didnt do much at rehersals today
even though it was supposed to be internal preview..
Instead we were cam whoring!
Pics will come up soon!

I really dont know..
I really dont know how I feel
or what I'm doing anymore
Im just having fun
Trying to be happy

But those memories..
Those words, they stay in my mind
I cant erase them
I miss them
I wish you meant them more
I know you did then
but now?..I feel sad, you stopped caring..
I cant have you
You like another,are with another
I have to be content with those sweet memories
I hold ever so dear

Now your friend is getting to know me..
Asking me out..
Im afraid I might make a mistake..
I dont want to hurt him
He is already hurt enough
I want to be the cure
Not the problem
Should I just let it happen?
Or should I just end it now..?

Decisions, Choices, Wasted Chances, Regrets, Desires
These are all strung together..
The "What ifs"..
These risks..
*sighs*

please believe me again at 12:22 AM

Y
Tuesday, August 14, 2007

So I rolled down the ramp yestday after drama!

And now..I've got cuts and bruises! hMpH!

But its ok..I still had loads of fun!! wHeEe..LOL..
My whole body hurts now!

Dunno why..hahaxz

I took a puff from Isk's cig..
I just needed it..

Felt nice..especially after the roll!

Yes yeSs..I am soo sweet that Isk gets diarrhea!

Oh wait..its a really really bitter feeling that doesnt make him sick anymore..

Asal..thanks for teaming up with him against me ah..Just wTh!! LOL!

Will be rolling down on the ramp with Mya love on wednesday!!

Went to Macs

Had a nice chit chat..hang out session

But sadly our usual hangout group was missing of Suba and Shida!

Pics are down below!

Taken by Mya love!!

Finally went home!

The bus ride home with Isk was fun..LOL

He is dammit ticklish!

And who in the world would put the engine of the bus at the back seat of the bus?!

Soo damn hott man!

We had to change seats! hahaxz..

Then we started singing this malay song in the BUS! LOL!

Irwan Syah-My Heart OST

Di sini kau dan aku
Terbiasa bersama

Menjalani kasih sayang

Bahagia ku denganmu

Pernahkah kau menguntai

Hari paling indah

Ku ukir nama kita berdua

Di sini surga kita

Bila kita mencintai yang lain

Mungkinkah hati ini akan tegar

Sebisa mungkin, tak akan pernah

Sayangku akan hilang...

If we love somebody

Could we be this strong

I will fight to win

Our love will conquer all

I wouldn't risk my love

Even just one night

Our love will stay in my heart

My heart...my heart...

This is a nice nicee song!!

But I think our singing ruined it! hehexz..

Isk got down at my stop cuz he was just too lazy to get off at his stop!

We started making jokes as well about stuff..Funny man!

And he forgot abt his cap until I passed it back to him! LOL!

Someone msged him something funny too!

I laughed my arse off!

I bet Isk was soo damn amused with that person as well..hehexz..

RJed..and finally slept without eating my pizza!! *sobs*

But I ate it today!

My breakfast!! yUm yUmM!!

Oh and apparently I found out that..

I dance wildly!!
hahaxz..it happened at the Chalet I went to..

My GoOdnEsS! I cannot believe I danced till like that!

But its all good! Letting it all out!!

whOotS!! hahaxz..

Everything is changing around me..

I'm becoming super friendly!

Hanging out with people I barely know..

Getting to know new people!

But still having fun!

Doing crazy things!

Living it up! =))

please believe me again at 3:31 PM

Y
Monday, August 13, 2007

Alrite..So I since Shalini got me the ticket for the NUS show..
I went..It cost 16bucks..So now I'm broke again..
Geetha,Sha(Shalini) and Shana were all supposed to go to Beebee's chalet after the show..
But..Since Geetha wasnt allowed to go
Sha wasnt allowed to go..you see they are cousins..so yea..
Shana was supposed to be able to go..
But..her parents were gonna be back by 1am or 2am from M'sia..
so she couldn't go with me either..=(

The show was quite good I'd say..
Saw Dhinesh and Karthik aft the show..
Its been like GaZziLioN years since i've seen Dhinesh man..
And so..I asked them if they could just accompany me to the MRT station..
Cuz I have no idea how to get to the place..
and I'm all alone..
They couldn't make it either..
So..I was a lone ranger for the night..=))

I went to Tampanies MRT..
and realised that I missed the last bus down to the chalet..
So caught a cab and went down..
It was then that I realised..
There is no place like home..
No matter what..even in your sadness and in your triumph..
Home is still the place you want to go back to..

When I got there..
Nigel was passed out from drinking too much..
But I was welcomed pretty warmly by his parents..
Scary actually..but it was alrite..
His mom introed me to his dad,his godparents,his siblings, cousins, friends and all..
And his mom fixed me up a drink of vodka and lime..
and even served me food..(briyani,beehoon,mutton, chicken, prawns)..
But I wasnt really in a social mood..
Still..I managed to mingle..=))

Some of his family members thought I was his girlfriend..LOL
And then I found out he got attached
to this gal called Marisher(hope I spelt her name right)
Then I understood why he didnt reply back to some of my smses..*siGhs*..
The disappointment..the sadness..Oh..another heartbreak..
Why must heartbreaks come all in a row??

Nigel got up soon enough..
He said I was late and I apologised..
He didnt expect me to come..But I did..
We finally got Nigel off his bed and dragged him down to the dance floor..
Everyone danced..it was dead FUN!!
LOL! I havnt danced like that in quite awhile..
People were kinda pleasantly surprised..hahaxz..
Even Nigel was..He came up to me after he danced..
and he said..
"I see you dancing the whole time ah.."
and he held my hip when he was telling me that..
wHoOtS! Jus that alone made me happy..hahaxz..
I miss him soo much la..dammit..
But things cant be like how they were like before..
*sighs*

Lionel(Nigel's cousin) was nicee..kinda being with me most of the time..
I think Lesly's HOTT like FARK!! he is dark..but OH-SO-DAMN-GORGEOUS!
And if you are wondering who Lesly is..Its Lionel's younger bro..
As the night wore on..I found out that Lionel is from RP..third yr..New Media..
Two of Nigel's chinese frens..who i've forgotten the name of are also from RP..
They asked me if I knew Mya..the burmese chinese..LOL
When they said that..
it got me reminded of her famous phrase
"Hi! I'm Mya! And I'm Burmese Chinese!" LOL..
Its a really small world afterall I guess..

I danced with Nigel's mom and dad as well..
It was weird..LOL
but fun..
I chatted with Vanessa..another one of Nigel's cousin..
who I think is absolutely GORGEOUS! even though she is dark..
and I learnt alot about relationships..

I was pretty distracted the whole time..
with smses from my frens..and with Dhinesh smsing me till 5am
jus to make sure i'll be fine there..
such sweethearts!

Then I found out that Nigel still smokes..
Yet another disappointment??
Oh well..its alrite..

Vanessa wanted to go smoke..I decided to follow them..
Nigel knew I dont smoke..
But I wanted to give it a try..
So he let Vanessa and I share a cig..
I learnt how to smoke..
and I learnt what it was to be a social smoker..
After all that I learnt how to get rid of the smell
from your mouth too..
You gotta spit..LOL!
and you gotta eat mints or smth..
Shawn(Nigel's fren/cousin) gave me one..
And I think he's pretty cute too..hahaxz

Dammit! Nigel's frens and cousins and all..are all pretty DARN good looking..hahaxz

Then Nigel realised that me and Vanessa were quite close..
He came over..and spoke to us for abit..
He still remembers everything I ever told him..
From the Melvin incident to everything!
Even how we first met and when the last time we met was..
Oh.GoOdnesS! It made me smile..hahaxz..
and then we started talking about gals kissing gals and all..

Somehow..Nigel ended up asking me if I would mind if he kissed my cheek..
I said I wouldnt..and so he did that..
And then a few mins later..
Nigel ended up asking me if it would be fine if he kissed me on my lips..
I was soo hesitant..but hey..he was the b'dae boy..
So I told him that it'll be his b'dae present..hahaxz..
Kisses dont lie..LOL!

GosH! A night to remember!!

Nigel wanted me to drink..
But I didnt want to..
Yet I drank at 5 in the morning!
Martell and coke mixed at times
and at other times..Just Martell alone..
It was nicee..drinking..
Got kinda high..hahaxz..
Felt nicee..

Then Nigel wanted to ride this motorbike..
I think its his uncle's bike or smth..
It was all metalic shiny blue..GORGEOUS!!
I wanted to ride the bike too..
So he tompanged nearly all of us!
It was damn nicee to ride the bike with him!!

Oh..HEAVEN!!
The wind blowing back your hair..
The rush of it all making you forget your worries..
Me holding him tight cuz I was afraid..
Reminding me of the feeling I felt which I thought was lost forever..
No..it isnt love..
It was happiness..=)
BliSs!

We went to the beach after slacking and resting abit..
Walked all the way till Changi Village..1.2km..
Ate breakfast..well actually I just drank Milo..
Nigel wanted to blanjah me food..But I didnt feel like eating..
So yea..Chilled out for abit after..
Then walked all the way back..another 1.2km..hahaxz..
It was here that I realised..
Things cant really be fixed anymore..
What was lost is lost and gone forever..
I'm never gonna get it back..
I gotta move on..
ALL the way..and Not ever looking back again..

I felt soo alone right then..
I really wished that my frens were there..
They are the reason I can breathe again..

The day wore on..
I got sprayed with the stringyy thingyy
which comes out of the can..LOL
I was all dirty and icky..
So took a bath..
They decided to go swimming..
I couldnt go sadly cuz I was "sick" as Isk puts it..LOL!
which suckss soo badd!!

They were having soo muchhh FUN!!
All I could do is drown my lonely thoughts into their happiness..
I took a few pics wif my hp..but they arent so clear..
Finally went back to the chalet with Vanessa..

After awhile..most of them came back..To take a bathe and change..
Nigel looks really good in semi-formal wear..
Then I told him that i'm leaving..
and he insisted that I call a cab and that he pay for my cab fair..
He's a dear at times..hehexz..

Went home..Slept..
What a night! =))

I've actually got soo much more to say..
But I rather keep them as my memories..=))

please believe me again at 12:34 AM

Y
Saturday, August 11, 2007

Ok..so here I am again..
after not blogging for a couple of days..

On Thursdae..was NATIONAL DAY!!
whOoTs!..LOL
but it was a boring day..
me being stuck at home..
aniwaes to me national day is not a big thing..
so i dont really give so much of a damn..
But everyone of my frens were going out..
I felt kinda left out and bored out of my mind!
Was trying to kill time the whole day!

Friday.
Went to school.
School looked pretty empty that day
and so did classes..
Isk's class only had 7 people! LOL
My another fren's class only had 3!!
imagine that!!
Probably cuz alot of them wanted a long weekend! hahaxz
But the day was alrite..

It was like OUR day..
where we could study and do whatever we wanted
at whatever time we wanted as long as we got our work done..
I came in late..but the faci didnt put me as late..=))
Then had lesson till 10 plus..
We went to eat..
got back at 11plus nearing 12
and then went to do our ppts..
Then we called her to come back to class to start our presentation..
We supposed to start at 12..but we only ended up starting at 1.50..LOL
But we ended soo early..cuz we had only 3 grps!
So I was slacking in class..

Only me and Guan Sin were in class..
Everyone left soo fast!
We started talking..
and I got to know him pretty well..
He too got to know me much much more..
It was nice talking to him..
It felt easier to say the final goodbye to him and let it all go..
Isk came and we left for drama!!

Drama was awesome as usual..
I saw him and her together..
But this time..I didnt want to cry..
It hurt..yeS..it did..
But I felt able to handle it better..
Asal hugged me..I needed that..
So did Mya..I really miss her alot!!
I loveee huGgS and kIsSes!! hahaxz!
Aniwae..my stupid msn has been giving me alot of problems!
ArGh!

After Drama went to meet Shana and her frens..
We discussed about beebee's chalet and everything!
Shalini got me a ticket for this NUS show..
So after..

you know what..
I think i'll be jinxed if I said what is going to happen after..
So I rather keep quiet about things..
Shall see how things go..
Till tomorrow once I'm home..
I'll blog again! whOotS!

and..I think I'm really stressed!
am losing alot of hair and
am bleeding too early! LOL!

Oh Oh Oh!!!
Isk helped me with my lappy!
Now I can listen to songs with my lappy closed!!
YAY! YAY!! yAyY!! hahhaxz!

Oh..we drank strawberry milk mixed with coke!
AWESOME!
AND ASAL and JESS rolled down the RAMP!!
hahaxz..

I'll be joining them on Monday
In full GEAR! hahhaxz! =))

roLL roLL dowN thE rAmP!..hehexz

please believe me again at 11:49 AM

Y
Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Fate..I believe in it.

Didnt go school today.
Felt sick and woke up kinda late.
So I ended up going to school for drama instead.
But then I didnt feel like it cuz alot of them werent going
So I ended up meeting Isk and Shana and Asal in school.
Vicky bumped into Isk and I and asked us for MC for not going drama..
We didnt care..lol
Makaned wif Isk at sch
Saw Sharime! hahaxz
Walk walk with Isk at causeway
Then went to see Shana love at BIG K
I didnt let Isk leave.
Disturb him only..LOL

Shana told me Geetha's cousin wanted to get to know me.
A few mins later..
Miaka comes up to me and tells me that her friend wants to get to know me.
Just wtf.
Hung out with Shana and Geetha's cousins and all..
Played truth or dare..fun fun..
Shalini and Geetha are gonna stay over at Shana's house on saturdae
Shana invited me.
Its on the same day as beebee's b'dae chalet!
So I might be going afterall..
Got to know Shalini better..
She stays in Punggol so bused with her
Sharime was in the bus too!
What a coincidental day..

And now beebee is msging me?
Coincidental..Coincidental..is all I can say..=))

please believe me again at 10:30 PM

Y
Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Was on cloud 9 today
Isk made me smile and laugh so much today.
Best part was when I went down to buy food with isk and shi hui
and I realised I left my wallet in class
now i owe isk mulahh for my food..LOL

Now if you are wondering why I said I WAS on cloud 9 today..
its cuz i was at some event wif shana and geetha and tia(a new fren made today)
after school..
and when i turned around i saw him and her together.
Both smiling.
Both laughing.
Shana and geetha were trying to make me feel better.
Saying that he doesnt look good. and all that..
Shana even mispronounces her name. Its by accident i swear.
but seeing them like that was another stab to my heart.
I dont know why he is doing this to me.
He knows it kills me.
But he doesnt care.
Its like he loves to see me cry..suffer.
Its like every time I tear when I see them together..
Is another triumpth for him.
And now i feel vengenence.
Not a good thing.

Asal love still thinks i'm angry with her
when i'm angry with myself cuz of him.
I feel stupid and dumb which i know i am at times.
Like now.
Feeling sad about this kinda stupid stuff.
But still..it hurts.

One thing to look forward to..
Jess darlings b'dae is coming up in october
and she is inviting people to go eat with her at new york new york.

He said he'll bring me there
He said he'll bring me to Chomp Chomp as well.
His words were lies.
Broken promises.
Things I live without.

I'm gonna go to new york new york and i will have fun that day.
whenever that day will be.
=))

Oh..joel asked me out again..
nice nice..
to a movie..
hopefully we'll be able to go on fridae..
and i'll skip drama if need be..
I need to get away from it all..

I just slept and woke up and its midnight nw..
dreamt about people being killed by some crazy mad cat..
see what has Isk made me do now..
dream about his beloved cats.
And i was running away from it.
LOL

found out Jess dear emo-ed today
if only i had known i would have been there for her
I emo-ed too after school..
on the bus ride back home.
I need a slap.
A snap back into reality.
away from memories.
sweet memories.
the bittersweet ones are the love.

talked to jess and buanana jus now..
jess made me feel better..
and buanana is cute..
Reminded me of how great my classmates are too..
I love my class..
I went to Budi's blog
saw our latest class pics..
we look soo close..
its almost sad..
Oh..am getting sicker too.
nice!
i need a break!

and now its time to do my rj
before some shuteye.
=))

please believe me again at 8:51 PM

Y
Monday, August 06, 2007

Today was one hell of a day.

Decisions to make. (whether or not to go for the chalet)

Choices to understand. (why he is acting the way he is now)

Holding back tears. (I want to cry for the way he is behaving towards me now. It hurts alot)

Pretending to be happy. (I dont want anyone to worry. I hope the denial would someday turn real.)

Resistance to temptation. (I want to drink. But I know I shouldnt. I want to flirt. But then again..its not right. Not right now anyway. I want to find love again. But I'm not ready.)

Being there for a friend. (Not taking anything to heart. And being the one to console even though they need space.)

And one song to help me get through it all. (Oh..the love!)

Its gwen stefani's 4 in the morning.

Nice song.

So meaningful.

But it keeps me hanging on.

Holding on to things I shouldnt.

Which I should let go of.

I cant help it.

And oh..its midnight..

i'm soo hungry right now.

I could eat you up!! =))

please believe me again at 11:09 PM

Y
Sunday, August 05, 2007

Ok..

I finally called beebee..
i talked to him for awhile..FINALLY
he asked me if i was going to his b'dae chalet
i still dont know if i should go
i dont want to go alone
i think i'll ask someone to come with me
but i dont know who to ask
i am at a lost
he said he'll pick me up at changi village or smth
if i was going.
oh well..
we talked about loads of stuff.
in alil over 6mins.

i miss him.
but i dont.
i feel happy.
but im not.

oh..i dont know what to do anymore.
i dont know what i'm going to do anymore.
he said he'll call me once he gets home.
i hope he does.
it'll mean more than anything to me.
but then again.
he may not.
and he might disappoint me.
he might say he was too tired the other day and that he is sorry..
and i'll be thinking..what a fucker.

haizz..
should i go?
or should i not?

Anyone out there who wants a break from their life??
Anyone who wants to go to a chalet with me
and get high
Just waste the night away..
Anyone??

I'm alone.

please believe me again at 11:12 PM

I found out who called me at 1am
It was him.
He was out drinking and he called me.
I wonder if he called her before he called me.
I think he should have.
He definitely would have.

I feel so alone.
So distant.
Distance.
It can be both a good thing and a bad thing.

When I am close to someone..
If anything happens to them..
I can sense it.
then when that same person goes missing it hurts me.

When I am so close to someone..
I cannot think of anyone else but them.
When I dont get to see that person or hear from that person everyday..
I get soo distant from them.
Start doubting them.

If its someone I need to forget..
But i was once close to..
I need distance.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder they say..
Its true.

I dont care.
I will gather all thats left of me.
And I will make that call.
Soon. Soon.
I hope.
No..
I will.
I will.

*sighs*

the funeral of hearts.
correction.
my heart.

please believe me again at 8:39 PM